(Content warning: Sarcasm Ensues)
Social media. Who needs, it right? It’s a pain to keep updated, there are so many to keep track of, and people are so sensitive. Your business was built on brick and mortar and survives through good-old-fashioned sales gumption. You don’t need fancy outlets like Twitter and Facebook to connect with your customers. You’ve got salesmen. Good salesmen who’ll fight and claw and rip customers right out of the competition’s mouths. All this social media stuff is a nuisance. In fact, you probably wish that these hangers-on would just go away.
I can help with that! Here are some great tips guaranteed to drive away that pesky social media crowd and their annoying smartphones and computers.
1. Give Useless Information
People only stick around if they can learn something useful. So don’t give out information on sales and promotions. Don’t announce big company moments. Focus on the little things, like what your team had for lunch. Trivial stuff that will make people roll their eyes and delete you from their contact list.
2. Pester people with updates
Everyone hates a chatterbox, especially one that drones on and on about themselves without any regard for what you have to say. See how often you can make your customers’ cellphones chirp with a new text or status message update before they finally turn it off. Anything more than once a day should do it. 3-5 a day would be ideal.
And if you really want to drive people away, combine Tip #1 with Tip #2.
3. Repeat Yourself
It’s pretty difficult to come up with different things to say all the time, so why bother making the effort? It’s not as if anyone actually reads what you send out, right? Go ahead and send the same text multiple times. Do it daily, in fact. Maybe if you repeat yourself enough, the message will start to stick in your customer’s minds. Unless they block you from sending them updates, of course.
4. Don’t Post Often
If sending out multiple updates a day sounds like too much work, then you can take the opposite tack. Post as little as possible! Let weeks or even months pass without so much as a greeting. Soon, your customers will forget you’re even there and not pester you for anything anymore.
5. Say Inappropriate Things
Nobody listens to you on the Internet, so why pretend to be civil? Go ahead and remove that filter. Say the first thing that comes to your mind, no matter who gets offended. Don’t bother thinking about the repercussions. Insult your competitors. Scold stupid customers. Announce your prejudices. It’s not as if anyone’s going to call you out for anything you’re going to say. It’s only the Internet, after all.
6. Ignore Your Followers
Customers are annoying. They’re always pestering you. Either their product’s not working, or they didn’t get what they wanted. Addressing a complaint is just going to encourage more of the same. Even worse, it might end up making you look bad! So stick your fingers in your ears and don’t pay them any attention at all. They’ll eventually go away and leave you in blessed peace.
In case you didn’t realize it, these are tips you should not follow.